How I stopped fear and shame holding me back from m4m intimacy

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The more toned and fit my body has become, the more self-conscious I’ve felt about my sexuality, particularly when it comes to m4m intimacy.

Whether it’s the gym, going for a run or swimming daily, staying active has been a significant and time-consuming part of my life. And honestly, it has done wonders for my physical health and overall confidence.

But as I dedicated more time to sculpting my body—while comparing myself to all those flawless other men—an unexpected wave of self-doubt, shame and a growing fear of being rejected slowly crept in.

The more I worried that I wasn’t good enough, the more I withdrew into myself and the more time I spent striving for the ideal body. I never let anyone see me naked and I avoided sex with men though I desperately wanted it. I was too afraid of them and even more of me.

I knew the way I felt was unhealthy. I needed help to confront my fears head-on but I had no idea where to turn or how to change. I was stuck.

Then I stumbled across a program—led by a former male sex worker—that promised to guide men away from fear and self-doubt towards accepting themselves while learning how to be intimate with men.

Now I love showing off my naked body

Before I arrived, I’d emailed him about how I wanted to conquer my fear of nudity and intimacy. So I assumed he’d throw me in the deep end and we’d strip off the moment I arrived… and I’d spend two hours feeling uncomfortable.

Except we both stayed dressed and sat together on his lounge.

He started talking about something that seemed utterly irrelevant: birthday presents. I listened politely wondering if I’d made a serious error in visiting him.

Then he asked me a simple question and suddenly it all clicked. I really started listening closely to what he was saying. Here was a completely different way of looking…

Suddenly, surprisingly, all those years and all those fears simply slipped away… replaced by feelings of arousal, freedom and trust… and not only in him.

For the first time, I actually wanted to strip off and be completely seen… and touched. Now, I was eager to show him what I liked about my body and even what I didn’t. OMG!

And that was only the beginning. What unfolded over my next visits was nothing short of miraculous. And well worth my investment in the time and money I spent working on myself.

It’s ok to be confused

Each time we met, I was keen to strip off as soon as I arrived. I began to shed those layers of self-doubt and self-judgement. I started to see my body as he did: not as a source of shame but as beautiful, strong and sensual.

Each visit I felt a weight lifting from my shoulders. I loved talking about my body but more than that I was finally able to put into words all of the feelings and thoughts that had been holding me down for so long.

We talked about my struggles with loneliness, about the pain of feeling disconnected from my body and the world around me. My fears about sex with men and that deep sadness that often consumed me.

I learned that it was okay to be unsure, to question, even to be confused. His unwavering support and encouragement—his unconventional way of looking at life—allowed me to safely express myself as honestly and openly as I chose.

With his wise guidance I relived past experiences and healed old hurts. Some of those old hurts were buried and deeply uncomfortable to recall. But I let them come and I let them go.

And somehow, by letting them go, there was a ripple effect that changed everything in my life.

Self-confidence starts with compassion

I realised that many of my worries had been about comparing myself to other people’s expectations rather than seeing myself as I actually was.

And what I thought other men saw when they looked at me was completely different to what I saw in the mirror. Yes, I had flaws and imperfections but evidently I was the only one who noticed.

What I’d often mistaken as worthless flattery were often genuine compliments from men who admired and appreciated my body in ways I never had.

Rather than looking inwards and rejecting them, I started to accept other men’s comments as valid. I had often been too focussed on rejection and much of that had come from within.

A generous and kind-hearted guide

Today I am a changed man: now I like myself and appreciate my body. The path to self-acceptance is not linear and there are still moments where I stumble.

Whereas before I would have run away from intimacy, I now know myself well enough to overcome those moments with grace and compassion.

What’s more I know I can always rely on Geoffrey’s ongoing generosity because, though we’ve finished the program, he’s available any time I need a friend.

My battle with loneliness isn’t completely over and I still have work to do. But armed with greater self-awareness and self-love I know I can face whatever challenges come my way.

It takes a strong individual with an independent spirit who’s willing to help the lost and frightened to find their way in life. Your guiding me was so kind and gentle and absolutely wonderful. It has certainly helped me on my journey of sexual discovery with men. I was pleasantly surprised how comfortable I felt.